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Introduction
In the past, people wrongly believed that Autistic people could not be parents. This misconception partly came from the belief that autism mostly affects young children, and partly because Autistic people have historically been viewed through a lens of incompetence. There was also an assumption that autism mainly affected boys, and that these boys were incapable of the social skills necessary to develop romantic or sexual relationships. This then led to the idea that Autistic adults were also not capable of romantic or sexual relationships. However, we now know that Autistic children grow up to become Autistic adults, many of whom do have romantic and/or sexual relationships, and can go on to become parents.
In addition, society has increasingly narrow standards of ‘normal’, making it harder for everyone to fit in with society’s expectations. The systems and societal structures we all navigate (such as education, health and social care, and the workplace) have become more demanding - mentally, cognitively and emotionally. This affects all of us in our daily lives, whether neurodivergent or not. The impact of this also extends to parenting, as parents must now help equip their children to deal with this increasingly challenging world. Now, part of being a parent includes helping children reach typically expected developmental milestones, and preparing children for a competitive employment market. This has shaped society's views about what ‘good’ parenting looks like.
Autistic Stigma
Stigma is a set of negative and unfair beliefs or a strong feeling of disapproval that society has about something. Historically, autism has been viewed as something negative that needs to be ‘fixed’ or ‘cured’, with Autistic people viewed as tragic and less than human. This has caused wider society to view stereotypical Autistic traits negatively.
Despite many years of campaigning for autism awareness and acceptance, people are still stigmatised for perceived Autistic traits whether they or other people know they are Autistic or not. That is to say, people perceive difference in Autistic people, even without knowing that what they are perceiving is because the person is Autistic, and even if the Autistic person is unaware that they themselves are Autistic. Unfortunately that perception of difference is responded to negatively (even if that negativity comes from a place of being well-intentioned):
For Autistic people, this constant experience of stigma has a cumulative effect. The impact of negative reactions from other people - such as invalidation, microaggressions, corrections and rejections - builds up over time. This in turn creates trauma by making people feel shameful, hopeless and isolated. In the long run, this can lead to negative consequences for Autistic people such as:
rejection, loneliness and isolation
prejudice and discrimination
victimisation and bullying
low self-esteem
loss of connection with own needs and emotions
poor mental health
What is Masking?
All human beings change their behaviour somewhat depending on the context. For example, it's normal to act differently when you are interacting with work colleagues compared to when you are with family. However, people from marginalised groups learn that parts of their identity are unacceptable to others. They then start to suppress these 'unacceptable' parts of themselves. This can happen consciously or unconsciously. In the context of Autistic experience, this is known as masking.
Masking is a set of behaviours that Autistic people use to try and consistently meet the needs and expectations of others. Due to stigma, Autistic people receive messages that their natural ways of being are ‘wrong’. Some Autistic people mask by hiding their Autistic traits and trying to fit in, and this is the dominant narrative of masking. However, not every Autistic person can mask in this way - but every Autistic person is responding behaviourally to stigma. While parts of masking can be intentional, it’s primarily an instinctive way to protect oneself.
Masking starts in early childhood and can take up an enormous amount of energy. Although Autistic people mask to try and protect themselves, it has its own negative consequences, such as:
weak sense of identity
anxiety, stress and exhaustion
inauthentic relationships
poor mental health
Stigma as an Autistic Parent
How does becoming a parent affect the stigma Autistic people face? Over recent decades, societal expectations of all parents have intensified. The idea of "parenting" only took off in the 1970s, and since then, more time, money, and energy have been invested in raising children. New social norms define how parents should act, setting unrealistic standards that are challenging for everyone. In fact, in the USA, the pressures of parenting are now even considered a mental health risk.
Here are some examples of these expectations, taken from an image search for ‘what is a good mother’:
These standards are exceptionally high and difficult for any parent to meet. From this we can also see how Autistic parents may be judged negatively. All Autistic people are different, but some of the ways Autistic people may not meet society’s expectations of parents include:
Different ways of showing affection.
Needing more alone time to recharge.
Not socialising with other parents as much.
Different play styles.
Struggling to keep on top of housework.
Even Autistic strengths can be seen negatively. For instance, if a parent thoroughly researches health or education issues their child is experiencing, some professionals may misinterpret this as being anxious, demanding, pushy, or having hidden motives.
So we can see that becoming a parent can increase the stigma associated with being Autistic due to neuronormative standards of ‘good’ parenting. But what happens if an Autistic parent has a child who is also Autistic?
Stigma as an Autistic Parent of an Autistic Child
In today’s world, if you have a ‘good child’ who is compliant and can conform to society’s expectations, you are seen as a ‘good parent’. However, if you are Autistic yourself, there is a high chance that your child(ren) will be Autistic too. This may lead to a double, or intersectional layer of stigma if you as a parent are seen as ‘odd’ or different and your children are also seen as ‘odd’ or different.
Intersectionality Across Protected Characteristics
Autistic mothers may be particularly affected by these issues because women in cisgendered, heterosexual relationships are more likely to be the main carer for their children. In addition, mothers face gendered expectations around parenting and carry more of the mental load.
It is also important to acknowledge that this blog post is focused on the stigma associated with being Autistic. However, Autistic people who also have other marginalised identities (e.g. LGBTQ+, Black, Brown, multiply neurodivergent, disabled etc) will experience further stigma due to racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, etc, leading to an even more layered and complex mask.
Negative Impact of Stigma for Autistic Parents
As an Autistic parent, the stigma associated with being Autistic can have negative impacts such as:
Not being invited to birthday parties/play dates
Not being able to develop a support network because other people reject or exclude you
Enduring stress and anxiety in social situations (such as baby and toddler groups, coffee mornings, or chatting at the school gates) in order to provide social opportunities for the child
Difficulty accessing formal supports from healthcare, education or social care
Parent blaming by professionals
It is clear that the effect of this stigma can have serious consequences for Autistic parents as well as their children.
Masking
Society's neurotypical expectations of parents and the negative outcomes of not meeting these standards increase the pressure for Autistic parents to mask. Autistic parents often mask not just to protect themselves but also their children.
When Autistic parents have children who are also Autistic, it becomes even harder to fit in, while the need to interact with health, education, and social care services grows. This intersectional stigma can lead Autistic parents to develop a more complex and layered mask to shield both themselves and their children.
Masking can help Autistic parents access support for their children, but it also means hiding their own support needs. Autistic parents are stuck in a seemingly impossible situation: if they don’t mask, they and their children may face harm. But if they do mask, they risk stress and burnout.
Conclusion
In our society being Autistic is viewed negatively. Autistic people use masking to protect themselves from the stigma associated with autism. However, this can lead to other problems. Autistic parents may feel greater pressure to mask due to today’s high expectations associated with parenting. The impact of stigma can also harm their child’s wellbeing in addition to their own. Autistic parents of Autistic children may deal with even more challenges associated with stigma and masking, and those with multiple marginalised identities may face even greater stigma. The more stigma someone experiences, the more layered and complex their masking becomes.
In order for this to change, we need understanding and acceptance of Autistic parenting styles. But this process will take time - decades even. In the meantime, we must challenge ableist views on what makes a ‘good parent’. We need role models of how to parent Autistically instead of relying on mainstream ideas. Peer support for Autistic parents can help provide a source of role models as well as a support network. This support can help Autistic parents resist the pressure to conform to neurotypical parenting norms and create a safe space where they can unmask, be themselves, and get advice on navigating systems.
At Autistic Parents UK we offer a range of peer support services both online and in-person. To find out more please visit https://www.autisticparentsuk.org/peer-support
Further Resources
Autistic Parents UK Blogs
Autistic Parents UK Q&A (YouTube)
References
Sanchez, P. (2023). 'Against the norm' mothering: A reflexive thematic analysis of autistic motherhood. PhD Thesis London South Bank University School of Law and Social Sciences https://doi.org/10.18744/lsbu.95443
Pearson A, Rose K. A Conceptual Analysis of Autistic Masking: Understanding the Narrative of Stigma and the Illusion of Choice. Autism Adulthood. 2021 Mar 1;3(1):52-60. doi: 10.1089/aut.2020.0043. Epub 2021 Mar 18. PMID: 36601266; PMCID: PMC8992880.
Written by: Zoe Williams, Autistic Parents UK interim trustee.
Reviewed by: Kieran Rose, Autistic Parents UK trustee. Consultant, trainer, researcher and co-author of ‘Autistic Masking: Understanding Identity Management and the Role of Stigma’ www.theautisticadvocate.com
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